Posts Tagged ‘tired

16
Aug
09

Life…

Well, life is just life right now. My pain is pretty bad, it seems to be getting worse. The degenerative problems with my spine are worse and my dr. thinks that something (a disc) is pushing on a nerve root in my lower back. I can’t stand up for more than 5 minutes at a time. It SUCKS. I am having what they call “occipital migraines” you can google it. It’s scary and I am not just having them occasionally, I am having 2 or 3 a DAY. I am calling my doctor in the morning so I can go see him about it. Something isn’t right, I hope we can find out what IS causing me to have them so frequently.

My Idol

My Idol

I do have to say I am on CLOUD NINE interview with my idol Ace Frehley! We seemed to get on well and he was laughing and stuff with me. When he mentioned the tour, I told him he had to come to Kentucky and he said something like “Yes and you need to be backstage”. WOOO HOOOOO! I am also talking to his awesome publicist Kymm and she is sending me the CD when it drops in September. I got to review the CD before the interview, and I listened to the whole thing and I have to say it’s AMAZING. There are a couple of surprise songs on there that I love like, “A little below the angels” and “Change the world”, “gengis khan” was also great. YOU need to pick up Anomaly when it comes out on September 15th. I am also working on getting a few other HUGE celebs in on the show. I can’t say who yet, but keep watching my tweets! 😉

I just want to say to Ace, thank you sooo much for letting me interview, for being so nice and caring. I appreciate it more than you know. Any other interview I have after this one will pale in comparison haha. Ace you are, as you always will be, my idol. YOU are the one who inspired me to play guitar, your music solo and with KISS got me through such a bad childhood…oh hell I just don’t have the words, just THANK YOU!

I’m tired now…..I’m out.

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23
Jul
09

no more dramaaaa

I made the drama post private. I can’t stand to look at it haha…I try so hard to be NON drama so when stuff like this happens I get very out of sorts and upset.

I am on my “rest period” now, 4 days on, 3 days off. Prednisone time. Have I said lately that I HATE steroids? The sweats, the jitters, the non-stop hunger, mood swings. Oh yeah it’s such nice stuff. You’d think the hunger would be good for me, since I need to gain weight, but the chemo makes me throw up, it really does suck. I hate the chemo worse, but I have to say as far as medications I have been on Prednisone runs a close second and Reglan a runner up at third hah!

I have to go see my lawyer today. I got my FCE report so we need to get it in to the SSA. The report looks REALLY good in my favor. No work using the upper body at ALL. I also got a call from one of the senators office yesterday and I have to say I am pleasantly surprised at how much they have all kept me informed. I’ve received  numerous letters, but yesterday was the first phone call, it shocked me haha.  They are federal government and honestly after all I have already been through with SSA, I don’t have a lot of faith in the federal government–well the government as a whole. So let’s hope they get something done and restore my faith in them a little bit…

My hands are really hurting right now. I need to stop typing.

I’m out.

12
Jul
09

just please understand! :-(

You know what? If you REALLY care about me and how I am, why not write me now and then to ask? Email me, IM me, CALL ME?!?!?!  It hurts me when people say they care, yet they never bother to talk to ME about how I am feeling? And to let my friends know…I am not HIDING from anyone. If I am not showing online to you, then I am not showing online to ANYONE, I am OFFLINE, probably resting. If I DO answer you but I am invisible, it simply means I am NOT staying online, but I am checking my IM’s to see if any of you have sent me one. I want ALL my friends to know that I do care, it’s not that I am ignoring ANY  ONE of you. I’ve got people coming from all directions, wondering why I don’t “hang out” with them, “IM with them”..etc. *SIGH* I’m TRYING the best I can, please understand!

This chemo is REALLY getting to  me. Everyone is different and everyone reacts to treatments differently. Some can go about their lives like they aren’t going through anything, others get SICK and I mean SICK. I have so much pain in my body right now, that even my CLOTHES touching my skin hurts. I can’t sleep with covers over me at night because it HURTS. Even my fucking hair hurts (which I will probably start to lose in another week or two). I’m sorry if I can’t do the things expected of me…or if I let people down. When I hurt this much, I feel anti-social. I don’t want to hang around in a chat room full of people, where I have to act like I am A-OK, and everything is freakin’ peachy. It’s NOT. It’s nothing against ANYONE, it’s just how I am feeling right now. I am just in a lot of pain, throwing my guts up so much I am bursting blood vessels in my eyes, having more  nosebleeds than ever. So how am I suppose to be around people and pretend that I am fine?

Yeah I blog, but I can write a bit, leave, come back, (things called drafts you know). I do my talk show once a week, and I have D there just in CASE I have to mute my mic and PUKE my brains out. My show is one hour long and I do it from my bed…just that ONE hour of talking on my show wears me out so much.

I can’t do things right now that require multi-tasking, going to different windows back and forth. I have the “chemo-fog” right now, my brain is REALLY foggy and I have a hard time using ONE browser window. let alone two or even three.

I’m sorry if everyone doesn’t understand. I am sorry if you think I don’t want to be your friend. I am sorry if I let people down, but again, I can’t help it, and I would hope my FRIENDS would understand.

*SIGHS HEAVILY* I am out. Can’t do this anymore. I can’t cry, I will make my headache worse.

30
Jun
09

i feel…

I feel:

  • Ugly
  • Stupid
  • Forgotten
  • Lonely
  • Sick
  • Tired
  • Abused
  • Let down
  • Put down
  • Objectified
  • Lost
  • Hopeless
  • Hurt
  • Frustrated
  • Needy
  • IN FUCKING PAIN
  • Stressed

I start chemo on monday….I will be on a continuous drip of 2 chemo drugs for 4 days…off 3 days with oral steroids, back on again, off again, on again….my doctor FINALLY writes me something for this awful pain and guess what?!?! I CAN’T AFFORD IT BECAUSE I HAVE NO MONEY! Wooopie. I am so happy–pissed…no one around me has money, so I am just fucking screwed. And the topper of it all is these meds will make me lose my fucking hair AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!! Lucky  me…

My whole life seems like it’s been one abuse after another..if not from human beings from medications…I am sick of it. I am sick of having no money…being unable to buy my medications (which are, by the way, less than 50.00). I am just sick of it all…I’m trying REALLY hard not to cut right now. I have to stop typing now.

good night.

06
Jun
09

redneck barbeques, talk shows and pain…oh my!!!

**I edited out the URL so “Dad” can’t find me through my talk show…please email me at murderous.thoughts@ymail.com and I will send you the link to the site!**

OK so first off my official website for my talk show is up… go to *email me for the site URL* 🙂 and check it out. I put a forum up and it’s not just for the show. I have also added threads for autistics and abuse survivors. The forum for the abuse survivors is private and password protected, so if you want to join that one so we can all talk in a private, loving place then email me for the password. 🙂  I’m really hoping the forum does well, I think it would be a great place to socialize, chit chat and of course as survivors talk in the private forum in safety–so go join up, post in the “Introduce Yourself” forum and let’s have some fun there!

Now…it’s an OMG moment. My daughter is dating a REALLY nice guy, he’s stylish, clean, loves her to pieces, is helpful to me and I really love him to pieces. So today is his mother’s birthday (I hadn’t ever met her before) and they invited myself and K over for a cookout and for K to swim with John’s (Mel’s b/f) nieces and nephews. I made her a homemade chocolate cake with buttercream frosting (wore myself out) and Mel came to pick us up. All I can say is—> 😐 It was honestly redneck central, I mean the one tooth in your head kind of rednecks (now I am not racist so don’t give me shit)–they were loud, around their house looked like the typical dirty yard–non-working vehicles, old appliances, the works. Needless to say that is SO not me. I am obsessively clean–so the whole time I was sitting there I was biting my lip, trying to keep myself from getting up and CLEANING the yard. His Mom was nice, but she drank WAY too much for me. She broke out the Mad Dog 20/20 first…tried to get me to drink with her, I nicely said “No thank you”. Then she brings out the Miller Lite Beer…again she tried to make me drink with her–I declined again. THEN she brings out the Southen Comfort  😐 of course I turned that one down too “Sorry, I can’t drink I am on heavy medications.” THEN her brother (The one that admitted to me he only has 2 teeth in his head haha) comes out in swim trunks with this big belly hanging out…a long beard and scraggly hair…and says to John’s mother “Girl you need to start brushing your teeth or you are gonna be like me”…uhh…I was overwhelmed and freaked out, I had to shut down and go into my own world for a bit–THANK God for my Autism! Mel noticed I was shutting down so she brought out the cake–she blew out her candles and THANK GOD we got to go home. The first thing I did was put K in the shower, get her clean then I got in HAHA. I am sooooo exhausted and overwhelmed by this day that I feel like I am in a semi-coma or something. I don’t socialize well as it is, but to be around that was just too much for my poor system. I am far too delicate for that LMAO.

Ok, this week my talk show is Thursday night at 9:00pm Eastern (My permanent day and time slot)…and my special guest is none other than my wife D, the original Frank ‘N Furter from the 8th Street Playhouse in NYC. She is responsible for helping to get the whole “cult” of Rocky Horror Picture Show started. She is going to talk about her experiences as Frank, with the whole Rocky Horror Experience AND her upcoming CD that will be out on i-tunes and Amazon this month!! She will be taking your calls and we will also have call ins from other 8th Street Playhouse people! This will be a VERY fun show, so I hope you all will tune in for the fun!

Ok, I am worn out–I have to go get K off my laptop (She’s playing at www.freerealms.com ) and get her teeth brushed and in the bed, then I am going to lay and rest. I sure need it.

30
May
09

Just a quickie..

I started a new blog for my talk show. The link to it is -> Mad As A Hatter. So if there’s anything you want to know such as when the next show is, what’s coming up, any special guests, etc., please blog roll or bookmark the blog! 🙂 If you would like me to add you to the blog roll at the show blog, just post a comment over there and I would be glad to add it!

I am weak and tired this weekend, resting a lot and watching TV with K. I am in a lot of pain and it’s hard to sit up for a long time and it’s also hard to get around. So this weekend is definitely a BLOB weekend. I hope you all are doing well!

If anyone needs to talk to me, leave me an offline or call me. 🙂

I’m out…

13
May
09

32 to go…

CancerSucks1Day three of radiation and it’s already making me so fatigued and weak. The last time I did radiation it took about a week to make me feel like shit, but this time it started on day one. I have puked in the radiation room so far all three days *SIGH*. I went to bed last night at 7:30pm and slept until about 6:30 this morning. That is NOT me. I usually don’t go to bed until late and sleep about 4-6 hours. Yesterday, I did nothing, I just laid on my bed most of the day…my daughter and her boyfriend Jon brought me a subway club sandwich or I wouldn’t have even eaten yesterday.

I am sitting here doing dialysis, blood in, blood out. That wears me out too. The two combined are awful. I don’t want to end up just laying in the bed for the next 7 weeks. I want to get my station started, I have league stuff I need to do….AHHHHHH I hate this!!! I don’t know what is worse, the headaches and seizures or the radiation. They wanted me to do chemo too, GOOD GOD, there is no way I could even function if I had said yes to the chemo AGAIN. I swore the last time I did it I would never do it again…I’ve had too much chemo for any one person….no more. I don’t care what they say. If chemo is the only thing to save me then I will just go out gracefully….

I think I need more zofran for my nausea, my phenegran is not working. My doctor will write it, but I can’t afford to pay for it *le sigh*. I am so sick of this…I want my fucking disability already and my medicaid!! I need Medicaid so bad, it will not only pay for most of my meds and my dialysis supplies, but it will also pay for the pump to hook to my feeding tube that will do it slow and RIGHT. When I do it myself I do it too fast and it makes me hurt so bad I think I will die…gives me sweats, cramps that are so bad they make me curl up in a ball and cry. It will also pay for the surgery on my spine/neck to help me…my arms are getting worse because of the disc in my neck pushing on the nerve root. It’s painful and makes my arms so weak it’s hard to type, hard to pick up anything…my left hand/arm is the worst and I am left-handed…it pisses me off. If it’s not one thing, it’s another hitting me.

When are better days going to come for me? I just want a few good days in all this shit. Just a few–I don’t think that’s too much to ask, is it? I’m so frustrated, so tired…somedays I am tired of suffering and fighting for my life. It is getting harder and harder to handle. Before I could push myself, make myself do it…right now I feel I have no purpose, I am not DJing right now…I miss it. It made me feel like I had a purpose–like I was “working”. I miss working..I NEED to DJ…I need to have something to make me push myself…ah well…

Ok, I am done typing. Going to play a game or watch TV on Hulu or Joost I guess, if I can stay awake 😐 . I’m out….

BTW–If any of you bought Fuze Slenderize drinks, their is a lawsuit against them. You can file a claim HERE <–click. I love Fuze, never had the slenderize…but if any of YOU did, file your claims now.




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